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I recently had an engaging fireside chat which covered several topics of interest. These range from stress in the modern day, managing identity crisis and psychedelics to navigating intimate relationships, and ethnicity. The video can be accessed above and the full transcript follows -
QUESTION 1:
To start off, you work with people who by many measures, can be considered highly successful. We all know the cliché that money doesn't buy happiness, but in your experience, what is the real psychological struggle that people who come to you for therapy face?
ADAM:
The core struggle might not be about chasing happiness as such; it’s a crisis of meaning and possibly a persistent feeling of high-stakes anxiety. When someone has made their money – let’s say, their problems don't disappear as such - they simply change.
Most people feel the pressure to be constantly performing is relentless, and there appears to always be a steady flow of problems left to solve. Nowadays, if you don't have problems, someone else's can quickly land on your plate.
QUESTION 2:
Let's start with those who are building their wealth. Even once they have achieved success, they feel as if pressure often increases instead of easing. Why does this chronic stress persist?
ADAM:
The high-alert stress you are talking about can lead to serious emotional burnout. The fear is multi-layered:
There is the Perfectionism Trap: People expect financial stability to translate to personal life too. This perfectionism can be a heavy burden to carry. It can fuel things like imposter syndrome, and the need to keep up appearances.
There’s the Fear of Loss.. Humans often feel the pain of a loss far more than the joy of a gain. So even if you are well established, the perception of the risks to what you have now, adjusted to what is believed to be a failure, can be scary.
Then there is the belief that you are responsible for all your problems - And this means society assumes you need to solve all your problems. A lack of validation for internal struggles if a certain objective is not met can make people, regardless of their economic or social status, feel more isolated. Does that make sense?
QUESTION 3:
Yes, it does. How do you begin to work with that level of generalised high-stakes anxiety?
ADAM:
The starting point is recognising that success is actually self-defined. It is not a benchmark set by society or the market, peers or family. One way of looking at it is that my work involves helping clients understand the difference between their financial worth and their self-worth.
With greater awareness, clients see that anxiety to perform a certain way comes from expectations. Expectations that they have set for themselves and the persona that they are – maybe even unconsciously - creating and maintaining.
QUESTION 4:
I’m aware that your clientele can be diverse, and some may be exploring what type of intimate relationships work best for them. How does one know?
ADAM:
I probably would need too much time to answer that and even if I did there would be many of my peers who would make counter points and at the end of all the debate we might be none the wiser. One thing I can say is that what works for someone else may not necessarily work for you. So there are limitations of the societal templates – if there is such a thing – as there are sociocultural variances as well but – you may have heard about the relationship escalator for example.. It’s what is described as the typical pattern of courting to find a mate and establish the relationship, marriage, children and so on..
Now people are challenging the notion of one particular sequence and relationship structure being equally optimal for everyone. So, there is a departure from the belief that there is one ideal for everyone.
Having said that, it is probably safe to say that when it comes to intimacy, a level of vulnerability is needed. And when your life is built on control and defence, true intimacy - sexual or otherwise – may be difficult. So that is something that will need to be unpacked.
QUESTION 5:
How do you help a client separate their status from their sexual or emotional vulnerability in a long-term intimate partnership, especially if their partner is not as affluent? Does wealth make true, equal partnership impossible?
ADAM:
No, wealth doesn't make equal partnership impossible, but it certainly can make it very difficult. When you're dealing with a big disparity in finances, a partnership can cease to be just two people; it is more like two people plus an ever-present power differential.
If my client is a high-powered executive in a business setting for example, they use a certain aspect of their Persona – which can be that controlled, dominant sub-personality that built the wealth and drove them to success in their career. The problem is, they may find it difficult to switch that aspect of themselves off. For example, when they walk into the bedroom or on their romantic getaway. They may tend to approach intimacy like a transaction or a negotiation they have to win.
We work on something called dis-identification. I have to help them take off the mask of the ‘power player’. They need to be supported towards accepting that as a human, they have every right to be scared, desirous, and completely equal to their partner - if they choose to do so. Having said that, letting go of the power that you hold – in essence surrendering of control - can be terrifying when your entire life is built on maintaining it. You see what I’m saying?
Even if someone like that does come in to a therapy space – and they may often avoid it like the plague – so it’s a big win already! Once they are in therapy, they can struggle, as it is a new way of being that they would need to experiment with, which is certainly challenging. But for those who do manage to find the joy in being that way, their relationship can benefit for sure.
QUESTION 6:
Even when people already have their finances in order, and sometimes because of it, they report an identity crisis and lack of purpose. What drives this struggle?
ADAM:
Some people who society considers successful will struggle mentally and society may not be that sympathetic as it looks like - they are perceived that is, to have ‘no problems’ as in they don’t have the same kind of financial worries. The wealth disparity in the world plays in to that. A lot of people are struggling just to survive.
What is not widely recognised is that even affluent people face a different set of psychological challenges – they can lack a, a fundamentally human driver: the need to survive or strive. Without that engine, people can struggle – and that could take the form of a crisis of identity.
QUESTION 7:
Some people with what seem like perfect lives find that life can then feel flat and ‘too safe’. Do you find people sometimes unconsciously seek stimulation - through risky ventures, or impulses - just to feel something real?
ADAM:
Absolutely, that's what some consider to be their Shadow demanding attention. When you're no longer trying to survive, or fallen in to a routine that is safe but too monotonous, you've removed a life-force engine of striving. The world can feel less vibrant, and go from a challenging place in a positive sense - to what feels challenging to live through.
But - the unconscious mind, can be driving towards transformation and we might not be aware of it in that sense. If the conscious mind doesn't supply the challenge, the unconscious might manufacture it. It can sabotage a relationship, pick a ruinous investment, or drive people to engage in risky behaviour. They're not looking for money or sex as such; they are looking for intensity – to feel alive.
This kind of chaotic behaviour can come across as desperate, or misguided, but from a therapeutic point of view, we can understand that it is an attempt to achieve a breakthrough to experience something they feel is missing. So we don't try to get rid of the impulse; we channel the client's Will away from destruction and toward consciously finding fulfilling challenges. Challenges that serve them, without destroying a life they worked so hard to build.
QUESTION 8:
When does the work shift from personal self-worth to addressing purpose?
ADAM:
For those who maintain a longer psychotherapeutic relationship, up to a certain point, therapy has been about integration — making the person whole, resolving trauma, and establishing self-worth. There could also be a further developmental stage for some. That stage is when the shift takes place from 'What do I want?' to 'How do I like to be?'
These clients will – when they reach that stage - cease to see money as an asset to protect. It just doesn’t hold that same importance anymore. They can shift from a mindset of scarcity to living in abundance. Money can be considered a resource pool instead of something you fight over.
The existential anxiety of 'what is all this for?' can ease out when the client aligns their resources with their own values. A legacy is not how much wealth has been accumulated; it's the conscious expression of how you want to live.
There is a great psychological benefit in this: it can help address the fear of meaninglessness – One of the existential fears. Chasing a dopamine rush of accumulation can be replaced with a sense of contentment – even if day-to-day challenges of life as a human still exist.
QUESTION 9:
What about sexual exploration? Does that accompany a search for identity?
ADAM:
Sexual exploration often – but not always - accompanies a search for identity. Some believe it's a vital pathway to the authentic self. Clients can realise their public persona – that is, the roles they play - has been suppressing a key part of their inner world.
Sexual exploration, whether through questioning orientation, desire, or relationship structure, is a powerful way to challenge those old rules. It becomes an act of Will – a deliberate choice to discover and live as they truly want to.
QUESTION 10:
Some say we are in the middle of a psychedelic renaissance. Do you find that more people are turning to psychedelics for soul searching?
ADAM:
Looking beyond legalities – because these substances are currently illegal in the UK, some would call it soul searching, some do use it for recreation as well, a bit of fun, escapism maybe, people just like to look at vivid colours too - but others might say it’s a deep, quiet realisation. Some people can achieve the goal society told them would bring happiness, only to find the core issues were existential, not financial. This because money solves the material problems, but it can leave the human problems untouched.
From a therapeutic perspective, they can be seen as looking to psychedelics because they are searching for a deeper understanding of themselves. Of course, there is always a risk when you are dealing with an unregulated substance, so it can be concerning that many people are driven to experimentation and with it, risk taking.
Coming back to your question, some may question “Is this all I am here for?” and the soul searching becomes part of it. They are trying to find that part of them that has a sense of authentic purpose. This belonging is something that can't be measured in what the materialist world calls success.
Some do find that these substances can offer a glimpse of that Self. But that glimpse is a compass, not the destination. The experience is often described as feeling surreal but the real work is the integration - the slow, challenging process of building an identity you are actually content to live as. That requires a huge commitment too.
QUESTION 11:
Is it ok to use psychedelics in countries where they are legal? Are there harmful effects if people use low dose psychedelics recreationally?
ADAM:
Look, 'legal' just means the government hasn't decided to arrest you essentially. It doesn't mean it’s safe, and it certainly doesn't mean it’s therapeutic. That's a huge blind spot for those in our audience who think laws equal safety.
When people are microdosing, the biggest risk isn't psychosis – although there is that risk for some people as well, which is highly problematic; it's also more basic stuff which is functional risk - like them attempting to drive or for whatever reason - operate heavy machinery or something after, or try performing in a high stakes environment while ‘high’, or interact with people when they are not really in a state for that! This stuff is not a toy, regardless of the dose. That’s why pioneers like Stan Grof have developed protocols to be followed that considers safety.
The other harm is using low doses to feel marginally better while avoiding the hard, messy work of dealing with the world, their partner, their trauma, or their angry family members. You get a slight lift, but the real shadow stuff can stay buried.
QUESTION 12:
But Adam, what about those who say Ayahuasca or Psilocybin mushrooms have a part to play in their spiritual journeys?
ADAM:
These are usually people who believe these substances can be used as tools for temporarily opening the door to the 'Higher Unconscious', which is tapping in to level that is beyond our everyday baseline consciousness.
A thing to remember here is that psychedelics can be considered non-specific amplifiers. That’s a way of saying they don't just amplify the 'good' stuff. They will amplify your unresolved childhood trauma, your generational shame, and the deep-seated fear of failure for example. You might meet God, but you'll probably meet your Shadow first.
Psychedelics can provide a quantum leap in insight, but it’s just that - a leap. You still have to build the bridge back to your everyday life. That's the spiritual journey. If you don't do the integration work, the vision fades and people are left with a great story and probably a backlog of self-work.
Any – or whatever psychedelic substance doesn't do the work for you; it just sort of - in the best case scenario at least - yank the curtain open. But you’re still the one who has to clean up after the show. That requires Will, commitment, and often, a good therapist.
QUESTION 13:
How do you help someone find an authentic identity if the pressure of their family's legacy is very strong?
ADAM:
Great question – one that might be difficult for someone to answer themselves regardless of how many self-help books or personal development podcasts they have gone through, as a lot of people have done. Especially nowadays there is such a lot of stuff out there – with varying levels of credibility as well.
Choosing which path to take itself can be a challenge and a source of confusion. How does one go about finding which approach works best for them out of sometimes methods that even seem to contradict each other? Of course I would say a good therapist can help! Instead, I will also give you a short answer. We can shift the focus from doing to being. Instead of asking, "What should I do with my life?" which is too vast, a better question can be: "What choices do I want to make today that align with my personal values?"
QUESTION 14:
Ok, let’s address minority groups within the UK context. You are of South Asian origin. Some British Asians have achieved professional or financial success, but often carry a heavy burden of intergenerational trauma and cultural pressure. What psychological cost does this group pay?
ADAM:
This is a common but also complicated area of struggle. For this group, wealth often comes with an emotional debt to the family - the idea that the current generation must validate the sacrifice of their migrant parents for example. Admitting to mental health struggles, anxiety, or even burnout is often viewed as being a – well, “snowflake” by their families.
There is also the conflict between the collectivist culture of their ethnic heritage and the career in the UK, that asks for individualistic success. They feel forced to maintain a public facade of often stoic perfection, leading to suppressing emotions and, in some cases, somatic issues.
QUESTION 15:
What is the most crucial message you deliver to someone from this background about breaking this pattern?
ADAM:
We also need to take care here not to overly generalise, as this is not a homogenous group. It’s that their parents survived so that the next generation could thrive. The sacrifices previous generations made was the foundation, not a prison. We don’t have to repeat the same cycle and patterns of behaviour expected of us if they have stopped working. It is ok to ask and get help when we need it. Who will it serve to suffer in silence?
Therapy, when we look at it that way, is not a sign of failure; it is about creating a new family legacy where success is measured not in income, in professional standing, in public accolades - but in living a fulfilling life.
QUESTION 16:
To wrap up, tell us a bit about your own background and whether it has contributed to the type of therapy you offer?
ADAM:
So as you mentioned, I’m of South Asian ethnicity – and was born in a small town in Sri Lanka to be exact. After moving to the UK initially as a student, I was in the corporate world full time for some years before I trained as a Counsellor and then also specialised as a Sex and Relationship therapist. So you could say I have journeyed far – literally, at least.
If I hadn’t lived that tension - the immigrant story of immense pressure to succeed clashing with the struggle for self-worth - I might not be able to do this work. My own experience taught me that success is complex and means different things to different people. Being part of that journey also means I have worked and lived across cultures - which serves me well, because there isn’t just one type of therapy or client group that I work with.
HOST:
How can anyone who is interested, get to know more of your work and get in touch with you?
ADAM:
A good place would be to visit my website, which is livespirited.co.uk, where they can find stuff which I hope they find helpful and also ways to contact me.
HOST:
Great, Adam Nanayakkara, thank you so much for joining us.
ADAM:
Pleasure. Thank you for having me.