There is a lot that can be said (and possibly a lot that can’t be easily articulated) about Love. Through the ages, people from many diverse fields - philosophers, poets, and scientists have shared perspectives on it, indicating how multifaceted and complex a topic it is. As humans, it is hoped that all of us have experienced love in one form or another. That makes it an intrinsic part of the human experience - what makes us human Understanding these different element that make up love can be part of the challenge for fostering healthy relationships.
It is fairly obvious that there are different types of love - but as a starting point, it could help to identify the variations within this common emotion. Eros, for example is the passionate, romantic love associated with intense emotional and physical attraction. Named after the Greek god of love and desire, Eros can lead to an intense connection or, if unchecked, to destructive obsessions. The philosopher Plato saw Eros as a force that transcends physical attraction, guiding individuals toward a deeper understanding of beauty - and being human. The shadow side of Eros meanwhile has the ability to foster possessiveness and dependency, creating strain in relationships. Another type of love that can be prevalent in intimate relationships is Ludus. While the word Ludus is less recognisable in everyday use, the concept is well known in popular culture, representing playful and flirtatious love. It’s about fun, excitement, and the thrill of the chase. Ludus is associated with playful love 'in the moment' without long-term commitment.
Familial love, or Storge, relates to the affectionate bonds between family members. Characterised by familiarity, trust, and a sense of duty, Familial love can provide a foundation for secure attachment, offering a sense of belonging and support. Needless to say, not everyone experiences Storge equally – we do not live in a perfect world. Differences in psychological development arises as not everyone benefits from an environment that nurtures a secure sense of self and emotional stability from an early age.
Although often discussed in the context of polyamory, Compersion is an emotion that can be used more broadly, referring to the joy a person feels when witnessing another’s happiness, even if it does not directly benefit oneself. Compersion challenges traditional notions of possessive love, expanding the understanding of how love can be experienced to be more inclusive. It offers broader relational satisfaction possibility, where one shares the happiness of others, instead of competing for it.
The Tug-of-War of Attachment
The concept of attachment is recognised in contemporary psychotherapy to play an important role in how we form and maintain relationships. Psychiatrist and Psychoanalyst John Bowlby’s influential attachment theory suggests early interactions with caregivers influence later relational patterns. For instance, secure attachment is said to provide a stronger base for trust and comfort to arise in relationships, allowing individuals to rely on others without excessive dependency. In contrast, according to attachment theory, insecure attachment styles can manifest as anxiety, avoidance, or fear. Anxious individuals may crave constant reassurance, fearing abandonment, leading to behaviours that are considered 'clingy'. Avoidant individuals, on the other hand, might distance themselves emotionally, preferring independence, often giving the appearance of aloofness. Individuals with a disorganised attachment tendency may oscillate between wanting closeness and fearing it, creating unpredictability for in their relationships.
From the philosophical tradition of Buddhism, attachment is seen as a source of suffering. Buddhism views clinging to desires, people, or possessions as leading to distress. Non-attachment, however, does not mean indifference. Instead, it promotes a balanced approach to relationships where love is given freely without clinging or fear of loss. This perspective encourages a compassionate (and idealised!) existence, where one can love deeply while maintaining emotional equilibrium.
The Pitfalls and Possibilities of Dependence
Co-dependence is a term in psychotherapy that refers to a dysfunctional relationship pattern where a person excessively relies on another for emotional regulation. This can also occur when one person prioritises another’s happiness at the expense of their own needs, leading to resentment on the longer term, as well as emotional exhaustion. In co-dependent relationships, boundaries become blurred, and each party can lose their sense of self as they become 'too enmeshed' with their partner’s identity. This often results in perpetuating dependency where there is excessive reliance on the relationship, even when some aspects are not working out at the individual level.
Interdependence, a popular goal in relationship therapy, represents a healthier form of mutual reliance. In an interdependent relationship, partners are able to maintain their individuality while supporting each other emotionally. This involves open communication and respect for each other’s boundaries, without sacrificing own needs at their detriment. Unlike co-dependence, interdependence allows for a balanced and fulfilling connection where each person contributes to the relationship’s well-being.
The Balancing Act
To love healthily requires a complex balance between intimacy and independence, care and non-attachment, with reliance and self-sufficiency. To achieve this balance, it is essential to cultivate self-awareness, establish clear boundaries, and practice open communication. Why a lot of us who find that challenging is because love, attachment, and dependence are deeply intertwined aspects of human relationships - and humans are complex beings. Love - in its different forms, when balanced with autonomy and mutual respect, becomes a powerful force for personal growth and contentment.